


Letters to Annie

by Longpig



Category: Changeling: the Dreaming, Webercon Whidbey Island Changeling Game
Genre: Alcohol, Diary/Journal, F/M, Letters, Original Character(s), POV First Person, Quests, Separations, vague references to sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:27:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 43
Words: 18,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24713848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Longpig/pseuds/Longpig
Summary: Anand Darach is trapped inside a dream, forced to battle the King in Leaves in a duel that may never end unless he can be bound once more. To that end, a group of Changelings have set out on a quest for his Realm in the Deep Dreaming, with the faint hope of defeating the Gentry and freeing their friend... Sir Lambert, troubled by conscience and conflicting loyalties, feeling isolated even among friends, writes letters to his beloved Annie in the hopes that someday she might be able to read them.
Relationships: Anand Darach | Gentle Annie/Lugh Lambert mac Cathain, Trolius ap Eiluned & Lugh Lambert mac Cathain
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

Dear Annie,

I decided to write these things to you while I’m away, cause I just can’t deal with not being able to talk to you at all for however long. Before we left there was like at least a Maybe you could hear me… I’m not much good at words but this is well, better than nothing. Maybe when I get back you’ll read this and laugh at my bad handwriting. Christ I’d give anything to see you roll your eyes at me again.

Crossed into the Dreaming today. T and Mimi (you don’t know her but she’s lovely) put on a show so we didn’t have to mess with those stick sasquatch guys and we came a fair ways in before making camp. Lou’s here too, and Darian, and Yusri of course, and Peony. I’m trying real hard to get along. Actually it’s been ok. We’re all here for you so that’s more important than anything from before. And, I don’t think I’ll ever win Mr. Congeniality but I just want to be… better.  You make me want to be better and I wish I had tried harder while you were still properly around.

I’m on watch right now.This place is a forest like they’d draw in national geographic for like, a prehistoric moose or some shit. It’s real quiet but not. Not much to do but think. Miss you so much. Does my head in I don’t have even a proper picture of you here, just what’s on my phone and who knows how long that will last. I meant to go get some printed before we left but everything was so crazy I forgot, like an asshole. Sorry, I guess I’m kind of a sad sack tonight. I think it’s just we’re finally on the road, but now there's no idea how long it will be. And not knowing what’s happening back home, or how much time is passing. Not being able to see you, or hold your hand. Or protect you if they come for you while you’re sleeping. That’s what Joan is doing though so I guess I shouldn’t worry. But you know I will anyway, like the big fucking emo I am apparently.

Keep thinking of you fighting him in that glade and I wish I could step in for you. But you’re so strong and I know you won’t give up, and neither will I. 

That’s all I got for now. Hopefully I’ll get better at this writing lark.

Love,

your Lam.


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Annie,

It’s day 2 in the Dreaming. We left the Path around midday I guess. Everyone’s holding up pretty well. Trolius had kind of a Moment when we stepped off but it was okay. No storms yet. And everyone’s getting along okay so far, except that Yusri don’t half talk to us like we’re schoolkids on a field trip. Fuck’s sake man Darian and Peony are like the same age as him, and it’s just annoying. I don’t think he means anything by it though. I kind of have him figured out I think, he just likes to talk and have the last word, and then he’s happy. So I just let it slide. Water, duck and so forth. It’s whatever. Getting to the garden is what’s most important. I’m trying real hard. I hope you’d be proud of me.

Anyway. Came to this cottage off the path tonight. Gingerbread and everything. Lady lives here, name of Granny Red, she’s a redcap of a kind. You’d like her for sure. Right now she’s telling a story about how she got off with this giant so he’d let her use his big oven to make the pieces for her house. She’s solid and no fan of him in leaves. She’s letting us stay here tonight, and gave us directions to a place called Freemarket where we might even find some help… And if not at least it’s on the way.

Bit later now. People are starting to go to sleep, except Lou, she’s still working on your spear. At this stage that mostly seems to involve a lot of muttering swears.

It’s harder for me when it’s quiet, and there’s nothing to do but think about how you’re not here, and what’s gonna happen. I need something to do, even if it’s just walking, that’s doing the thing. Maybe it all is though I guess. I’m lonely though. Even with all these people here. And then I feel bad because I don’t have the right to be… It’s a luxury, isn’t it? You don’t have that, you’re just trying to survive. But there’s nobody here I can talk to, not really. They all got their own shit to deal with… Lou with Finn being her dad, Trolius worrying about what’s gonna happen in the deep dreaming, Peony’s worrying about John and Darian about Connor. Yeah we’re all here for you, but… nobody’s gonna want to hear me talk about Finnlach, how I’m scared he’s not gonna survive the separation, and how I might be the one that has to do it. I still care about him, I still love him. He’s my family. 

Well this is getting even sadder so maybe I’ll stop for now. How about this for a nicer ending? I keep wondering if there’s any chance we’ll run into your unicorn in here. That’d be pretty grand. Miss you, love you.

Your Lam.


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Annie,

We got back on the Silver Path today, everyone’s pretty relieved. It’s real well maintained here, we even found a nice campsite with firepits already dug. I wonder if this is the same path you came on, if maybe you stayed in this same spot. Maybe we’re sharing the same campfire, 75 years apart.

Lou was saying this morning she’s almost disappointed there hasn’t been more dangerous shit since we got in here. I told her to be careful what she wishes for. Somehow this got on to her telling us the whole story about her fucked up Harry Potter type childhood and shitty mortal parents. I don’t get why you’d adopt a kid just to be shitty to it. I mean lots of people have kids of their own blood and are shitty to them but that’s way less work. Anyway. Then she was talking about how she wonders what things would have been like for her if she grew up with Finnlach instead. Part of me is picturing us all at some type of family get together with me and her being shitty teenagers at each other. But then I’m also thinking about how things might have gone different for him, too. How he wouldn’t have been so cut off and all to himself after Solomon died. Maybe Leafs wouldn’t have got to him so easy. I didn’t feel much like talking after that.

Ain’t it funny how you can have your closest friends around you and just feel more and more lonely. It don’t make any sense. Maybe it’s cause I’m jealous of Lou and T having each other here. Spend a lot of time with them watching them hold hands and whatever, and I start to feel like sad and shitty, and then shitty about feeling shitty…. And I’m pretty sure they  are toning it down for my benefit, which is worse, because they shouldn’t have to and. Well you get the idea. Maybe it’s being also stuck together with everyone all the time. You know me, I don’t like airing my business to everybody, and there’s really no way to have any kind of private conversation when you’re no more than 5 feet away from someone else, always… I just don’t want to deal with  pity from people that don’t have any clue or investment, or flip jokes and shit… I just know I’ll get fucked off and then it all goes down the shitter because I can’t keep my fucking mouth shut. 

Christ, Annie. I want to be the good guy for once ~~but i~~. It’s so fucking hard. But you know I won’t give up!

Christ I sound so fucking corny. Sorry.

Fire’s burning down and I should get some kip cause third watch AGAIN. I’ll try and write something happier next time darlin.

Love,

your Lam.


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Annie,

Pretty chill day today. Just as we were all waking up this toad looking guy came along with this big circus type wagon and giraffe things with mops for heads. Name of Croaker, hauling goods to Freemarket, which I guess used to be Fairmarket before they kicked the gentry out. Not sure how long ago that was so maybe that’s the name you would know it by. Anyway he seems solid, warned us about ‘Kingsmen’ on the road where it’s outside of Freemarket’s protection, so we decided to travel together the rest of the way. 

Croaker likes singing so you know I had to teach him some of my favourites (Hozier), haha. Meanwhile Mimi was trying to ride his animals, which was the funniest fucking shit I have seen in a while. I took a picture for you to see when we’re back together. Anyway yeah had a nice day singing and shooting the shit. He was telling us a bit about the outfit that runs Freemarket. They call themselves the Exchange. It kind of sounds like the Council back on Whidbey actually. Apparently the leader, as much as there is one, is a lady called Akasha Quick. Since they booted the ‘Lords’ out of Freemarket I’m really hoping if we can get in to see them we might get some kind of help against Leafs. Fingers crossed.

We’re camped for the night now and Croaker is singing again while Yusri is cooking some weird little animals Darian caught. Looks like something between a partridge and a guinea pig but Croaker says they’re good to eat and they smell amazing right now. He says we should come up on a little town tomorrow where we might do a little trading and stuff to get some coin for the journey. 

The road’s real long ahead but at the minute it feels I don’t know, companionable, at least. I mean, nobody’s tried to kill each other even once! Honest.

Since Trolius fixed my phone so it doesn’t run down I’ve been looking through all my photos. Would you believe, every single picture is absolutely stunning. I wish I had more of the two of us together though. Have to make it a point after all of this. I really like the one from Yusri’s Christmas thing though. Your smile is so cute. Can’t wait to see it again for real.

Love,

your Lam.

PS. Mimi and Peony together is hilarious and terrifying.


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Annie,

Good couple of days on the road, still traveling with Croaker and his wagon. I could make better time by myself but it’s nice not to have to. And of course I’d be pretty fucked when the Path runs out again. 

Anyway. We’ve been seeing more folks, passing more farms and stuff… Lou fixed some old bird’s water pump at one of them and Peony moved some… hay or something, I don’t know, while we were getting water for Frank and Dibbers (that’s those giraffe things). Past couple nights we’ve stopped at tiny little villages - always nice to have a roof to sleep under. The first night Darian set up in the common room doing fortune telling for money, Yusri was telling some stories and Mimi was singing and stuff. That went down well so Trolius had this idea that we should do a show fight in the street and see if people would toss us some coins. It was pretty fun and we got a decent haul!! Felt good to be doing something a bit more active than just walking, even if it does feel a bit like we are turning into a traveling circus, lol. Tonight was even better once we had the practice in. And the innkeeper let Peony do some barbacking/tending in exchange for our stay so it was all profit, haha. The coins we get all look different one to the other (and some aren’t coins at all but shiny rocks and things) but nobody seems to care.

I know it won’t last but damn I am used to trips into the Dreaming being a lot more bloody than this. I mean Christ, I’m sitting here writing this with a fucking piece of apple (actually apple, not weird apple) pie in front of me. When this is all over maybe we could go traveling a bit just us two. Just for a while. I bet there are so many things you could show me. (Didn’t mean for that to come out sounding like a sex thing but I’ll take it. Eyyyyyyyy and again!)

That pie just reminded me you never did make me that macaroni & cheese you bragged about… Well that just means you are for sure coming back!! Soon.

Love,

your Lam.


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Annie,

I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME

(lol)

No but seriously. Last night we got to this little crossroads type inn. It was pissing it down so T and I were a bit bummed we weren’t gonna get to do our fight thing. But then the landlady says “if you boys are looking to put them swords to use I might could give you a job” and then she starts in about the huge fucking RATS in the fucking BASEMENT Christ Annie I about died. Can you believe it. 

So we went down there and it really is like every old game you ever played with these fucking rats. I’m cracking up and the lady is like “I don’t see what’s so funny” and Trolius just tells her to go back upstairs and don’t worry, we’ll take care of it. We hacked up about half a dozen of these piglet-sized fuckers and then we found (of course) a crack in the wall to where there was an older basement where there was a nest and even bigger rats… Cleared those all out too, it was good fun, gets the blood pumping. The only shit part was that, unlike in the games, we also had to clean up all the fucking rat corpses and also brick up the hole. That took longer than all the rest of it and I only ended up getting like four hours’ sleep which made for a long fucking day on the road… So tonight I’m just taking it easy, writing to you and shooting the shit with Dar and Mimi. Trolius and Lou snuck off somewhere. They think they are being slick. Ha.

Croaker says we ought to reach Freemarket before dusk tomorrow. Can’t wait to tell you all about it.

Love,

your Lam.

PS. Got a pretty good scruff going now. You would hate it. Don't worry, I promise I will shave it all off for you! ♥️


	7. Chapter 7

Jesus Christ, Annie.

This is fucked, it’s so fucked, everything is fucked.

Got to Freemarket today. But it’s not Freemarket like a “free market town” like we thought, it’s like “the Free Market” as in a fucking capitalist hellpit. Also everything here looks like CSI Miami. I’m assuming this ‘exchange’ is probably named after fucking Wall Street. Everything is money and how much something can be bought or sold for, including fucking PEOPLE.. Jesus Christ. They have fucking slaves here like, just people out and about wearing collars like fucking DOGS, oh no big deal, just the whole goddamn cesspit is built on it, that’s all. Why the FUCK didn’t I think to ask Croaker what this place was like BEFORE they turfed the Lords out? Everyone we met so far talks about it like it was a good thing but I can’t imagine it was worse??? When we were waiting in line to get in (like customs??) and Croaker said that commoners had to pay 2 golds and knights were 10, I thought hey that’s a bit weird but not so different from say me and Trolius needing special permission to come live on Whidbey… I should have fucking twigged for sure that shit was fucked when he started talking about the laws and how killing folk would get you fined depending on who they were kin to or worked for… 

Christ fuck hell damn it’s like we were taking a nice walk barefoot on the beach and stepped in a massive turd.

That’s not even the fucking worst of it. The worst is that apparently T fucking FOUNDED this place before he was now-T. I don’t know how much he told you about what Farmer John saw in his dreams but uhhhh not good. One of the guys in charge here (might be from the Exchange?), like the douchiest looking Ifrit you can imagine, recognized him when we were waiting in line. Apparently they were real good buddies. He told us all about it. How T poisoned the old lord here so he could beat him in a duel, take over, and turn Fairmarket into whatever the fuck THIS is. And he was so HAPPY to see Trolius and it was so fucking weird. He pulled us out of the line and was showing us all around the town super proud of everything, just like it was the most normal and okay thing that like… slavery is happening! Hurray! I don’t know who looked closer to throwing up, him or Yusri. Ash (sleaze bag) didn’t seem to notice.

We all just kind of… went along with him because fuck, we didn’t know what else to do and there wasn’t any chance to discuss it, and now we’re put up in this tower hotel that I guess is nice? If it wasn’t all turquoise and pink and RUN BY SLAVES Jesus Christ.

I have no fucking idea what our move is here. We thought we’d find allies here but I don’t want help from these people. I keep asking myself, what you would do, what you would want me to do. You said there’s right and then there’s easy, but there’s also fucking SUICIDE. There’s seven of us, only 4 of us can fight and one of those is having a nervous breakdown; against a whole city state. And if we die here or get thrown in capitalist jail, we fail not only you and Finnlach but everyone that Leafs is gonna get killed or worse back in Whidbey and Evergreen. So should we just… leave?? Before we get sucked into something worse than a hotel room? Maybe we could come back after we take care of Leafs. Maybe you would come with us...

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Annie I don’t know what to do. Trolius disappeared with Lou into their room as soon as we got here and they haven’t come out. I’ve just been pacing around here trying not to pull out my hair. I knocked on other people’s doors but I guess I waited too long and they’re asleep or they’re just not answering. Fuck, that fucking guy wants us to go out to dinner with him tomorrow. I can fake it if I gotta but I am not sure if T and Yusri can and I would really just rather get the fuck out of here.

I know I said it already but I would give ANYTHING to be able to talk to you now. Fuck it I’m just going to have a drink or three and try to sleep I guess. Maybe give Dar another knock. Oh and text Joan to tell her everything is fucked.

Love you forever, still,

your Lam.

eta: Dar and Peony were up after all. Guess he was in the shower before and she didn't hear me over the water. Went over there and then Lou showed up, then T. We're leaving in the morning. Thank fuck.


	8. Chapter 8

Dear Annie:

Well, we’re still here. Shit is still fucked. Christ, I don’t even know where to start, so much has gone on since yesterday. I guess from the top? 

So first of all T went to go see his buddy to tell him we were going, and the guy offered us some leads that were too good to pass up. Like Leafs has a house in town and we might be able to get some more info out of it, and also he could get us a boat to take us part of the way there at least. He might be a slaving piece of shit but T was pretty confident he wasn’t fucking with him so that’s how we ended up staying. THEN it turned out that the person running this place is Trolius’ ex girlfriend. And she is not at all happy about it. ‘Waited 20 years for him to come back’ not happy about it. But not not-happy enough to screw us over, so far anyway. She told him about how he apparently has roughly a billion dollars squirreled away here so, on the bright side, no longer worried about using the minibar. But he came back and immediately locked himself in his room with Lou so… that sucks. She told him about this broker service you can use to make deals here though if you don’t wanna (or in my case probably aren’t smart enough to) do it yourself so me and Darian set up an appointment to get that rolling.

Ah fuck, Annie I can’t just keep writing about all the nonsense without getting to what’s eating me. I’ll go back to this later. Here it is; Glaice is here. That’s my ex girlfriend, I can’t remember if I told you her name or not. The one I ditched in Hybernia when I left my ‘previous employment’. I don’t know why she’s here but it’s just kind of too much of a coincidence, in all the fucking Dreaming, that she should turn up here, now… It’s fucking my head up a little. Darian talked me down from going to talk to her. I am SO FUCKING glad it was him there instead of pretty much anyone else.

I don’t have that kind of feelings for her anymore Annie I promise, but I never wanted to hurt her or fuck with her head or whatever. I still feel bad about how I just left. But it’s like I said to Dar, I guess nothing has really changed. A might still want to come for me, and she still might tell her brother and etc. And now more than ever I can’t afford that. 

Fuck what if he’s with her? There’s an ugly thought… Maybe best just burn that bridge if we come to it? Guess I’ll be lying low the next few days while this broker guy does his thing. We’re hoping to get a map to Ealdefondgard (???) and some info about the place itself. It’s not gonna come cheap but easy come easy go right? T might be tying himself in knots over it but better to use that money for something good I think.

Christ that reminds me, Glaice was here to see the same broker… I can’t stop wondering what for? Probably nothing that concerns us now… probably?? Sure wish I had something to do with this extra time besides think about this shit. Darian’s great but you’re way better at making me see sense. I miss talking to you so, so much Annie. You’re really my best friend. Sometimes I’ll be thinking about you, and it catches me off guard I’ll get so choked up about it. I can’t even think about not bringing you back. Failing this quest just isn’t an option. I'm pretty afraid that I’m going to lose Finnlach for good if it’s not too late already. But you, no, never. Maybe it’s stupid but I hope somehow you can feel how I’m thinking about you, how much I love you (SO much) and want to fight for you. I’m  ~~ conceited ~~ arrogant enough to hope maybe it helps.

Gonna need to talk to Peony and the others soon and I don’t want it to be super obvious I’ve been In My Feelings so I gotta wrap this up darlin’. I don’t even know how to say how much I’m missing you right now. Just, it’s a lot. 

I love you.

your Lam.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This letter begins on the same page as the last one ends, but the handwriting is somewhat sloppier.

Oh Annie.

I miss you so much. I’m aching. I miss your laugh, your pretty green eyes that remind me of home. Miss how soft your skin is, your touch, how you’re so strong and tough and fierce. I miss sparring with you and getting my ass kicked. I miss the weight of your breast in my hand, the taste of your sweat, your everything, your nails down my back. Falling asleep holding you. I miss coming home to you. I miss cooking for you, and how you always happily eat what I make even though you could do better. I miss just talking to you, how you always make me feel safe. You’re so tiny but your presence is massive. You’re the most interesting person I’ve ever met. You make me feel like a song. You know the one. My Anand. I need you to restore me, and I want to be the same for you… Please be okay. I love you, so much, it hurts.

your Lam, always.


	10. Chapter 10

Dear Annie,

Good morning darlin’! Got kind of emotional last night, you might have noticed… Feeling more steady today but it’s still all true. I had a glass or two to calm down after the Glaice thing, and then Peony brought two whole ass bottles of whiskey to our impromptu (sp?) debrief thing about the broker and stuff… I can picture the face you’re probably making right now; but at least we’re getting along, right? Have I mentioned how very, very much I love you?

The biggest info to come out was that the Exchange didn’t change as much as we thought they did when they came in. It’s more of a sideways shift? Or a change in wording? Like it was already shitty and they just changed the parameters. I still don’t get why everyone we met talked about this place like it was so great for being gentry-free but… Well. I thought maybe it would make it better for Trolius to know he isn’t a hundred percent responsible for making this place. Doesn’t seem like it though. He sat through part of the meeting looking like he was gonna lose his lunch then left after barely saying anything. Something about how nobody deserves to be in this place, not even the people running it. I don’t know about that one way or the other. But if everyone got what they deserved we wouldn’t have to be here right now.

I dunno what to do. He’s nearly always shut in the room with Lou or on his own and it really doesn’t seem like he wants to talk to anyone (except maybe her?), even if I had half a fucking clue of something clever to say. All I got is dude you can’t live in the past and let it keep fucking you in the ass dry while you lie there and cry about how it hurts, you gotta move FORWARD but I don’t think he wants to hear that. Yeah reading that back  ~~ maybe ~~ I am really REALLY not cut out for the counseling gig. So bad at words. 😟

If we could pry him out of the suite maybe it would help him to take his mind off things a bit? I’m thinking of seeing who I can get together to go down to the spa or something. I got it from the front desk that Glaice isn’t staying here so I can breathe a little easier on that front. It’s still been nagging at me though I have to admit. It’s too much coincidence, with the things A was into, that she’s here now. Sure she didn’t work for him before, but it’s been 2 years. Or she could be here to bail Caelan out for something HE was doing for A. So I hired someone to try and find out and if it’s nothing then I don’t have to get involved at all. Here’s to hoping. 

Lou just appeared so here goes nothing.

Love,

your Lam.


	11. Chapter 11

Ah Christ, Annie. I've fucked it all up.

It was only a matter of time I guess but I didn't expect to fall out with Trolius of all people, not like this. Fuck's sake. He's acting confused and messed up and I'm fucking worried about him but no, he'd rather believe I just want to be shitty and controlling than admit there's even a possibility something bad could happen. So yeah there was a big fucking fight and he thinks I'm a fucking bully and a creep who won't let him live his own life or some shit because I wanted him to take Lou's little robot if he's gonna go pal around with these Patrick Bateman fucks, so it can warn us if something bad happens. These people are fucking sharks, Annie. But he thinks he owes them or some shit.

I don't like how he's talking about being the same person as the guy who set this shit up. Sure I know he kind of is, that's the Arcadian deal, but fuck no, he isn't!! I mean I'm not the same person I was even 5 years ago, and that's without a body switch and memory wipe! But he won't hear any of it. 

...Am I the asshole? ☹️ Yeah I lost my temper but I don't think I'm being crazy. I just feel like... T is vulnerable here in a way that other people aren't, and he refuses to listen to that and I don't know what to do so I just end up yelling... And now it's all fucked up. You would never have screwed this up so bad. Everyone listens to you, even me. I feel like I'm letting you down, being a bad leader or whatever (am I the leader here? I don't even know). And I don't know how to fix this.

Just wish I could talk to you for real.

Love,

your Lam


	12. Chapter 12

Dear Annie,

Still haven’t talked to T since yesterday. Lou got him to take her little robot though, so at least he listens to someone. I spent a bunch of time with her the past couple days actually. Real family bonding type moments, haha. This shit is hard on her too. She told me that the other night T was like, moaning his ex’s name in his sleep. Like Christ, and she’s gotta lie there and listen to that. Then tonight she came and found Lou at the bar and I guess... offered to share Trolius with her? What the fuck, who does that? Can’t wait to be done here.

We don’t have an exit date yet though. The broker came back with the first offer, which even I could tell was insane, so now we’re into the haggling. And I have to deal with Glaice, well, sort of. 

I found out she’s here cause she bailed one of her girls out of ‘service’ (which is the nice word they use here for fucking slavery), by taking her place. She was seeing our broker to try and get out of that contract. I have no way of knowing if she has any chance of winning with that, and... I just can’t let that happen to her. I might not have the same kinds of feelings I used to but I still care about her. She doesn’t deserve that. So I’m getting her out. Told the broker to make it happen, buy out her contract, whatever, then we’ll just dissolve it. We put Darian’s name on the paperwork though, so that way even if she finds out who paid her way, the name won’t mean anything to her. It’ll be like when Lex Luthor or whoever it was unmasked the Flash and everyone was just like ‘well who the fuck is this??’ If she wants to track Dar down after all this and finds me too well I’ll deal with it. I mean if I survive all this we’ll have beaten a Gentry and I’ll have you back, so… yeah.

Meanwhile Yusri is trying to stir up some kind of rebellion which is great, unless it fucks up our deal here before we can get what we need… He’s usually a level headed guy but this is real personal for him. Which I get but I just hope he doesn’t get carried away and land us in more trouble than we can afford. I guess the good news is that with T’s bank account what we can afford is probably a lot. 

Oh! Change of topic but I shaved today. I figured you would like that. And as long as we’re staying here and I can get all this nice stuff there’s no reason to keep the beard. Wish I could take advantage of T’s tab to get some snappy clothes (that fit!) while we’re here too, but unless we find that bag of holding Peony was talking about, it won’t really be practical. Maybe… maybe I’ll find a surprise for you though. That would be worth carrying all over the Dreaming. 

Christ I miss you Annie. Just gotta remember that even though we’re not going anywhere right now we’re still making progress toward you and bringing you home. My Anand. 💗💗

Love,

your Lam.


	13. Chapter 13

Dear Annie,

Trolius came by last night. He wanted to apologize and stuff, asked what he should do to 'make me feel better about things'. Lou took Spider off him and sent him to follow Glaice already so I just said, I dunno, just tell people where you're going and when you'll be back and stuff. I'd feel better with something more concrete but at least I know Lou is on the same page with looking out for him. Didn't want to get into the Glaice stuff. He doesn't need to be worrying about anything extra. 

I should feel better about me and T but it still feels off. Probably I'm still just mad about the shit he said. Or maybe  _ I  _ just feel off, period. I'm already restless again, now that everything's sorted as much as I can sort it for now. Even though I know I'm doing all I can. Everyone is. But I feel… antsy? Had a hard time getting to sleep, it's too quiet and my brain's too loud, too full. I need something to drown it out, or I need to  move , or both.

And I'm lonesome… Not like before… I've been hanging out with Darian and Lou, and talking more, especially Lou. That's all great. So maybe lonesome isn't the right word. I'm just … missing something. A lot. You, obviously. But like in a physical way. Not a sex way or well not just. I want to hold you, or  be held, so much that the not having it hurts in my chest.

I think I will spend a lot of time at the gym today. Maybe that will help.

Love always,

your Lam.


	14. Chapter 14

Dear Annie,

Today was real busy. Which is good for me, and mostly good in general? I think. I was gonna go to the gym like I said, but then Lou dragged me out to go shopping with her, looking for stuff to work with for the spear (I think) and some other projects. And I might have found a surprise for you. I hope you’ll like it… While we were at that shop though who strolls up but T’s fuckin ex girlfriend… Very weird if you ask me because it’s a big ass city and of all the stores she could turn up in, really? I could tell Lou was weirded out but it stayed real civilized. Just… weird. She might have been hitting on me? Or Lou? Or both of us? I don’t know what this bird’s deal is.

Anyway after we got back from that there was a message from the broker, so me and Darian went to meet him. Things are still moving along with the Leaf stuff, the guide is coming tomorrow for everyone to meet and we’re still working on the map. The other business isn’t going as smooth as I thought it would though… The guy doesn’t want to let Glaice go so now… we gotta figure out what to do, because the broker guy can keep working on it even if we have to leave but that means Darian or me technically ‘owning’ her until we could all get back here to dissolve that. I guess that’s how it works and you can’t pre authorize it or anything. Anyway we both felt pretty gross about that especially without even asking her. Somehow Darian convinced me it would be a good idea to try and actually talk to her. Even though he was the one who got me not to before? I’m not sure exactly how that happened? We put in something about if she agrees to meet she also has to agree to confidentiality so maybe that’s ok? I’m pretty worried about it but like… I can’t just leave her as some motherfucker’s property if there’s a chance I can help without risking you and the quest. If there isn’t well… fuck. I just hope there is.

Faffed around with Dar for a lot of the afternoon; he’s looking for a sword after all our brilliant lessons, haha. And then when we got back T and Lou were out and we actually convinced him to leave the building! And it was okay and not even weird! So I’m hoping maybe things are gonna even out, he’s gonna work things out. We went and got food at this place near the docks; you would like it, lots of spicy things. And then since Dar had that pearl thing he showed us a little of the underwater part of the city. We just got back and I’m pretty shattered but wanted to keep you updated. If I can keep busy like this the rest of the time we’re stuck here, maybe it won’t drive me round the bend. I’m just real pleased things are better with T. Just wish you were here too.

Love,

your Lam.


	15. Chapter 15

Well, fuck.

So much for things getting better. I’m up at ass thirty in the morning because T had some kind of episode, where he thought he was his old self, like before he left Faerie. Or maybe he went back to being his old self. Fuck, I don’t know. He was doing stuff I know for a fact he can’t, like magic stuff he doesn’t know now. He didn’t know who anyone was. He used Sovereign to kick Lou out of the building and he tried to do me too but that didn’t go as well for him. 

Let me tell you, Trolius 1.0 is a real dick. 

I put him down with Caretaker but then he portaled (!) through the floor and I had to chase him some more. Well, me and Akasha. I don’t know why but I had them call her; it just seemed like a good idea at the time, maybe because she’s in charge now. It was kind of a blur. Anyway she did some kind of a spell to put him to sleep and I carted him back to our room. He’s still out now. We don’t know what’s gonna happen when he wakes up. If he’ll be his ~~old~~ normal self or still this other guy. Whether he’ll remember any of it. Or if it’ll happen again. What to do if it does… if there even is anything we can do.

And Lou, Jesus. She’s usually pretty flip but she’s rattled. He didn’t know her, he treated her like garbage. She was already having a hard time with the Akasha stuff and now this. Of course after the initial panic passed she immediately started talking about contingency plans and stuff, but man. I just don’t know. What I do know is if the old boy does hurt her I’ll do worse than just make him a bit tired next time.

I don’t wanna hurt T. Not for real but… What if he’s gone? What if the guy we knew was just like… Something this other guy’s subconscious made up and he’s not coming back?? NO. Fuck that. ~~I don’t even~~ I can’t even finish that. Christ. 

I don’t want to lose any more people. 

Need to sort things out with this guide and the map and get the fuck out of Freemarket. I can’t help but think if we weren’t here this wouldn’t be happening. 

I love you so much Annie. I’m so tired I can’t think of anything else to say. I wish I was home with you.

Love,

your Lam


	16. Chapter 16

Dear Annie,

Christ what a day.

Trolius was more or less back to his old self when he woke up. Of course now he’s all fucked up over it so everything is weird again in a new way. Met the guide and they seem fine… I feel like I should have asked more questions but I was just so fucking tired. Like maybe if they ever heard of you for instance! Plenty of time on the road for that I guess, if we feel like talking. Or the boat. It looks like we’re leaving day after tomorrow at the outside. Thank fuck. I’m just gonna try to fill my time between now and then as much as possible so I don’t have to think about anything because Christ, if I do I’m gonna lose it. 

Not sure it’s going to be as better as I’d hoped after we leave Freemarket because now, well. Well. Me and Darian had that meeting with Glaice this afternoon. It was fucking brutal. She was pissed, like almost didn’t stay to hear us out at all pissed. If Darian wasn’t there I think she would have just straight up left. She’s mad (still) I didn’t tell her about Anastasius, that I didn’t tell her I was going or where, or give her the chance to make up her mind if she did want to come and… She’s just really fucked off in general. I feel like such an asshole, Annie. I don’t even know how to say. Because fuck me, she is right. I didn’t give her a choice… I thought I was doing the right thing not asking her to choose between her and her brother. And I just couldn’t imagine her choosing me in that. But she’s so hurt and so angry now. I didn’t want any of that for her. I thought she would just move on. Fuck, I thought she had. And I just don’t know what I’m gonna say to her, for the fuck knows how long we’re going to be traveling together… Oh right, that’s the other thing. She wants to come with us so that she can pay off her ‘debt’ that way and be done. Not like we could really say no.

So yeah, gonna be on this quest with my ex, who fucking hates my guts and I guess rightly so, because I fucked up so bad trying not to get her hurt. At least I was smart enough to tell her up front what it’s about so she didn’t hear it from Peony or someone and flip her shit all over again. But Christ. I don’t even know how I should feel, let alone what I’m gonna say to her when I see her next. Like here’s this woman I cared about a lot, who I spent like 2-3 years with on and off, who I never wanted to leave, and I feel like shit about how that played out but it’s been almost that long again since I left home and I’m in love with you now and… If I hadn’t left, or if she’d come with me, where would I be now? Present me can’t even think about not having you in my life. 

Maybe she won’t want anything to do with me. Maybe I should just leave her alone? I don’t want her to hate me but I don’t want to hurt her more either… So maybe I just gotta let her. Or maybe she’ll be more pissed if I don’t try to talk to her. Fucking Christ god damn. I said I didn’t wanna think about these things and now I’ve started and it’s getting so loud in my head, Annie. Feels like I need to hit something, just beat on a bag or whatever until the blood rushing in my ears drowns out all the other stuff. The gym again, I guess.

I just want to find him and get you home. I know it’s not so simple, I’m not an idiot, but I WANT. 

Love always,

your Lam.


	17. Chapter 17

Dear Annie,

This morning I woke up and just for a second I thought I was gonna roll over and find you lying next to me. I wish I could have held on to that a little longer.

Darian met with the broker today and everything’s all settled and we’re leaving first thing tomorrow. Meeting Glaice at the docks. I told people about her just so there’s no surprises. I guess Yusri is picking someone up too, from the same guy even. I don’t really know what the deal is with that and I figured with everything else it’s not really my business to ask. Anyway after that awkward conversation I went and spent most of the rest of today at the gym and the pool, just keeping myself busy like I said. Came back and I just finished packing up all my stuff. Peony got me this real neat bag that you can fit a ton in without it really taking up space at all. I feel bad we started off so poorly and worse that it took all this shit to get past it. We don’t have tons in common but she’s alright.

Real tired now but gonna see if Lou and or T want to go get a drink or something… Might be the last we see of civilization for a while.

Love you lots,

your Lam.


	18. Chapter 18

Dear Annie,

Finally, we got the fuck out of Freemarket. Wish you could see this boat we’re on. It’s a submarine, but one like out of a video game or a sci-fi movie. It’s real big, too. Big enough for me to have a room to myself! And there’s this massive window where you can sit and look out into the sea. (not in my room. At the front of the ship.) Looks like we might be on it all the way to Ealdefeondgard (I know I am cocking that up massively but fuck him anyway). Could be worse ways of traveling, that’s for sure. The captain is a human (I think?) and I really need to ask how she’s out here so far in the dreaming… Oh yeah and the girl Yusri picked up turned out to be someone that knows Ilia!! They were held? Sold to? Or whatever, to the same gentry lady. The dreaming loves its crazy coincidences I guess. Or maybe that’s just what happens when you travel with an Eshu, you connect all the dots. As long as we don’t run into Saoirse next!!

Other things, less than ideal. I still don’t know what I should do about Glaice. I mean I don’t expect her to be happy being stuck in here with me and she isn’t what you’d call soft at the best of times but I just wonder how long she is gonna keep up giving out to me every time we’re in the same room. All these little digs… make me a little angry for a second or so, and then mostly sad… Is it a bad idea just to ask her what she wants? Is that something I wanna start? The sub is big enough at least that I could avoid her a lot of the time if she really hates my guts. Trolius thinks she’s ‘just’ mad but even if that’s true, uh that is a big ‘just’ when it comes to Glaice!! Or it can be… Whatever else at least she is ok though and out of Freemarket.

Oh!! The other good news is Lou finished working on the spear. I gotta get to practicing with it… hoping I can rearrange some stuff in the hold to make room. It’s not my weapon of choice but I do like a challenge. As you know, haha. Lou wants to do some training too so that should be fun.

Love,

your Lam.


	19. Chapter 19

Good morning beautiful Anand!

It’s a new day. Things look better. Freemarket further and further behind. And I managed to talk to Glaice last night. It was… I guess good is the wrong word. It was awkward as all fuck but. I dunno. I guess it was good. We got through some things that needed saying. I’m not expecting things to be sunshine and roses from here on out but I’m not filled with dread at the idea of running into her in the kitchen or something. Working together should be ok. And it is really good to know that she is doing ok (or was before she got sucked into the Freemarket situation), and still far, far away from Anastasius. Who is still just doing… whatever he was doing, since nobody wants to fuck with that. Caelan is still with him, which was not a surprise but at the same time it still kind of sucks. I mean, we got on and had some good times. It’s worse for Glaice obviously.

Trolius seems maybe better too? I guess we’ll see how much time he spends out of his room now. Whatever Akasha gave him for sleeping seems to be working, maybe too well. Hope we don’t need him on a watch anytime soon.

Oh speaking of watches it seems like we’re speeding up in here. I’ve been messaging back and forth with Joan and the texts are creeping closer together on her end. That’s good for us, hope it stays that way and doesn’t rubber band the other direction! It’s been a month since your duel now, in the Autumn. Too long… I’m sure Sila is taking real good care of you out there at least. Sure wish I could hold your hand again, or read to you some more. So that you’d know I was there. I hope you do know that we’re coming. Somehow. I miss you more every day.

All for now before I get weepy again. Christ Lambert, no crying on an empty stomach. Haha.

Love,

your Lam.


	20. Chapter 20

Dear Annie,

Feeling a bit weird today. Nothing crazy happened though, just an off mood. I was up late sparring with Lou, training to use the spear, and then we got to talking about different stuff and Saoirse came up. Nothing like a bit of exhaustion to bring on the oversharing right? So then I had the dreams about her again, where I'm back with her, but this time I was me the age I am now. There was this dream double vision thing where I was outside myself and watching what happened, but also the dream me who couldn’t remember how he got there or what was supposed to be happening, and I was just wanting to shake myself while Saoirse was telling me not to worry, everything was gonna be fine and I was right where I was supposed to be and she would keep me safe. Woke up feeling just kind of gross. So, not the most restful night.

I’m gonna try real hard not to let it mess me up too much. Maybe go and move crates around until my arms don’t work anymore, haha. Or just take apart the practice dummy we set up. I’d murder a cigarette right now, or a pint of plain, but I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to smoke on a submarine, and the other’s not exactly on tap here. And I kind of want to talk to Dad but that might just shit me up more. Can’t decide if I need more focus, or more distraction, I guess. 

We’re supposed to be stopping at a place called Pinnacle, I think tomorrow or the next day? That’ll be a chance to stretch my legs at least. This is a pretty big boat but it’s still a confined space, you know? Can’t just leave and take a walk or whatever to clear the head.

I pulled up your picture again on my phone just now (the one from Christmas again) and that’s made me feel a bit lifted, as you always do. So I’m going to get some food into me and crack on as ever. 

Love always,

your Lam.


	21. Chapter 21

Dear Annie,

This is a rough one darlin’, I’m sorry.

We made Pinnacle yesterday. Real interesting place, it’s all underwater and the locals are these jellyfish type people that talk in emojis. That all went real smooth; Trolius went to a bank and got some money for the rest of the journey (he was too distracted to do it in Freemarket, can you imagine), Lou got a bunch of scrap and stuff for her projects, and I went with Pentwhistle to get a bit of intel from their guy there. Even had a real nice meal out. I kept thinking how grand it’d be to come here with you, sight-see all the things I didn’t really have time for this go around, that sort of thing. The buildings are really pretty, and the view up through the water is just brilliant; I was just imagining us walking around, holding hands, real sappy and all…

Maybe that’s why I had those dreams last night. You know, the kind that are just so incredibly  _ real.  _ Me and you, together. Some of it was fucking, not gonna lie, but all of it was just so normal, just stuff we actually do you know? Running the trails, sparring, walking on the beach, sitting at the café, cuddling watching Netflix. It was just so fucking tangible, all of it, not like a memory or whatever, but really like actually being there. Your skin was so soft and warm and the way your hair tickled my neck when you tucked your head under my chin… When I woke up I swear to Christ I thought I could still smell that perfume you wear sometimes. And then I realized I was alone in an empty room, on a mattress on the floor. Felt like a lead weight dropped through me.

You’re not supposed to smoke on submarines, right? I think I saw that in a film…

Anyway I didn’t want to think too much so I went to the cargo hold. Got bored of fighting with nobody so I moved all the crates around the space and then moved them all back again. That worked pretty well to settle down the angst machine. Then I was going to go have a shower but people were talking in the lounge when I went by and I heard your name so, you know, I had to stick my head in. Mostly they were just talking plans, wanting to set up a chat with Pentwhistle (that’s the guide, did I say that already?) to get more details about what to expect when we get where we’re going and so on… strategy we might use against the king and whatever happy little helpers he’s got around… So that’s when Trolius asked what I thought about looking back at the times I saw him fighting, you know, study his moves… Christ. I’ve been proper fucked up since then. Just. Jesus.

It’s a good idea, it’s a really fucking good idea, and I should have thought of it before. But I didn’t… I guess because, I didn’t want to, and if I thought of it, I’d have to do it, like I have to do it now. I have to watch him hurt you, watch him wearing my uncle’s face, watch him all but kill you, over and over, and try to figure out what to do against him. I don’t know if I can handle it. But I will. I have to. Because I have to win, there’s no other out.

It’s so hard Annie. It’s so fucking hard but I know it’s harder where you are. And I know you won’t let him break you and neither will I. Somehow. I miss you so much. I miss my dad, I miss Finnlach. I miss posting dumbshit stuff on snapchat. I feel like a big, black bruise. 

Annie my love I’m sorry again this is such a downer. I hope you’ll be reading this soon and rolling your eyes at what a dramatic bitch your man is. Nothing would make me happier right now.

All my love,

your Lam.


	22. Chapter 22

Hello Beautiful.

No, I haven’t done the thing yet. That’s for later, after I talk to Trolius. First I thought I’d maybe change the ~~subject~~ tone and catch you up on how everyone else is doing so far. Well, everyone from home anyway. I was thinking you might like to hear how we’re all getting along. Which is more or less okay, considering, though you can tell it’s starting to wear. On some more than others.

I’ll start with Trolius. He seems to be getting on better since we left Freemarket. I’ve seen more of him since we left than the whole time we were sharing a suite there, and he’s acting more like normal. Which is good because... and I’m a selfish bastard for saying this but… I need my best mate! (I’m sure Lou is relieved too) Literally don’t know that I could do this without T. I love that guy like a brother. Hoping that the further we get from Freemarket, the more he can put all that other stuff… not behind him I guess, but in perspective maybe? 

Lou: Lou is one I am a little worried for? I’m sure she feels better being away from FM (and Akasha!) too but she seems moodier than usual and she’s just throwing herself at any little project that she can do instead of… well, I dunno what. Maybe she is still fretting over Trolius, or maybe Finnlach…

Darian. It feels like Darian is the glue that holds everybody together, which will come as no surprise to you. He’s always so fucking positive, but not in an annoying, gobshite way, but real sincere so you actually feel better, at least while you’re talking to him. He’s always ready to help with anything. Just a super great guy to have on your team. Also he’s been training a bunch with me and Trolius and he’s getting way better with that sword!

Mimi: I know you haven’t met her but she’s on the squad so she gets a bit. Anyway. Mimi is fucking wild! She’s an absolute cheerleader, nothing seems to keep her down and it can be real catching. She’s a fucking legend who utterly destroyed me and Trolius at Capcom vs DC vs Marvel SNK 2 Ultimate (I think?) yesterday. The farther we go into the Dreaming the more she seems to be able to talk in memes and shit, which is a trip.

Peony - She is rolling with everything pretty well and now that she’s taken over the kitchen on this rig she’s in her element. Her and Mimi are getting on like a house on fire, that’s pretty wild to watch. As for me I don’t know that we’ll ever be bosom buddies but it’s still going smooth. I guess one good thing to come of this mess is that it sort of pushed a reset button on all the shit between us. So who knows what’s next! I do know that she likes to cook and I love to eat, so there’s that.

Yusri is more an enigma to me. I dunno. We don’t talk a lot. I was worried about him in Freemarket, but then once we left he was more himself. I get a vibe though that he doesn’t like how I’m doing things, or maybe how I see things? It sucks cause I listened to him about where we had to go when we were flying blind in the Dreaming, I put my trust in him which is, you know, not so fucking easy for me, especially with so much on the line. But the other day he was talking like I’m a fucking langer who’s going to get you, me and everyone else killed… Not getting a lot of confidence from that one, I guess is what I’m saying. That really burned BUT you would be proud I kept my temper. 

That’s what keeps me going you know. When nothing else is helping. Thinking about being better for you, someone you can be proud to be with. I will be that man. Maybe I am now?

Christ thinking about you makes me all warm and happy and sad all at once. I’m having a ‘moment’ where I feel all wrapped up in how much I love you, like a big cozy blanket. S - O - P - P - Y. But I might just sit a spell and indulge it a while before I have to go do the other thing.

Love,

your Lam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All comma splices are Lambert's; not mine! ;)


	23. Chapter 23

Dear Annie:

Knackered today. Yesterday I went from doing the magical replay thing aka the universe’s most shite VR pretty much straight into this massive planning strategy meeting with the entire group plus our guide person that lasted about 84 years, then most of the rest of the day I just trained my arse off. I was hoping it would help put things quieter in my mind like it usually does, but I couldn’t sleep for shit. Bad dreams. I guess I might have seen that coming. Most of what I remember is sort of disjointed bits and bobs and just feelings, but I do have a crystal clear image of a sort of mashup between A and Finnlach that was… not great. Enough to make a virtuous young man consider a liquid breakfast (didn’t though). Anyway. No rest for the wicked.

Pentwhistle says we are looking at about two weeks to Ealdfeondegard (?? still don’t know if I am spelling that right ?) with 2 more stops along the way, and we talked about some options for getting in. There may be shape shifting involved! It’s so we can sneak into his place as forest creatures without attracting too much attention. I hope we get to pick our animals. That’s one stop we’re making, to sort that; and the other is some sunken pirate ship town (which also sounds deadly) for hopefully more intel. We’re also gonna stir stuff up with his neighbours and maybe even with the leeches back in Evergreen, to split his attention. 

It seems like everything is coming together except what the fuck we actually have to do when we get there to stop Leafs. All the stories I have seem to end with a fight though so that’s what I’m gearing up for. Lou fixed my nail gun so it will work without the pressure hose thing so that’ll help. 

Supposed to go meet T soon for round 2. Fuckin reruns amirite?? I wonder if the looking will get easier the more times I do it. I wonder if that’d be better or worse. I guess it’s not something I’d want to get used to. Or to be the kind of guy who does. I’ll do whatever it takes though, you know I will.

Best crack on now I reckon…

Love always,

your Lam


	24. Chapter 24

Dear Annie:

Sometimes I flip through this thing and I wonder, am I actually gonna give this to you to read? Yikes. What a load of bollocks. But Darian knows I’m doing it so I’m committed. He’s gonna tell you and then I’ll never hear the end of it if I chickened out.

Not much new today. Slept like shit again; more nightmares but less well-remembered. I was going to get some training in before this, but I walked into the hold and Lou about took my bloody ear off, practicing throwing that fucking axe. Luckily the hair was unharmed, haha. Anyway it seemed wise to let her have the space for the minute. 

Feels a bit like the calm before the storm, aside from the stuff I’m doing with T. Everyone is just kind of doing what they like. Peony’s always in the kitchen, Lou’s got all manner of projects, there’s video games, Darian gets to go swimming… Fuck, if it wasn’t for, well, everything the fuck else it could be a holiday. It’s fair play, folk should enjoy what they can though… It’ll get brutal again soon enough.

I’ve been listening to that playlist I made for you at Christmas. I asked Sila if she could play it for you sometimes, so I hope she is. Sure hits different now. Makes me feel like… I don’t know, just so fucking gutted… lonely, sad, missing you… but at the same time it brings back the good memories too and the warm, happy feelings. There’s probably some german word for it, right? Maybe I can start working on a new one for you for when I get back. 

Love always,

your Lam.


	25. Chapter 25

Dear Annie:

Writing to you in the middle of the night (early morning?) cause I can’t get back to sleep. Just had the worst fucking nightmare yet. I half don’t want to write it here and unload it on you but also I need to get it out somehow… It started off like a replay of when T and I went into your dream with Farmer John. Except this time he didn’t pull us out. It’s a little hazy but I think he had twisted us all up with those briars and then the other two just weren’t with me anymore. I couldn’t do anything, not even talk or yell because my mouth was full of thorns. ~~And he was Christ I don’t know if I can write this~~ It seemed like we were there a long time, and he had you pretty beat down and was just hurting you, making you bleed for fun, and laughing at you while you were trying to get up and stuff. And I tried one more time to get free but then he wrapped my whole face with those vines and my eyes were all stabbed up but I could still hear you, and him, and then I couldn’t hear you anymore, there was only the sound of the trees, and him laughing, and he sounded like Finnlach.

Christ I’m sorry about my writing my hands are fucking shaking like I have the fucking DTs. Here’s to hoping you’re actually reading this and it’s nothing but a shitty memory now.

I’m half of a mind to try and wake up Trolius or Darian but I don’t think Lou would appreciate it and T probably wouldn’t wake up anyway with that potion he’s taking. And I don’t wanna have to explain this to Yusri (he and D are roommates). Obviously the person I want to talk to most is you. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt so alone as right this very minute. I’m starving for some kind of comfort and there’s just this empty fucking room. And then I remember where you are and I feel so selfish and shitty about it. 

Fuck fuck fuck. I can do this. I will. It’s only a couple more weeks, less now, until we reach Ealdfeondegard. I'll have a little drink, go back to sleep, get up and get back at it. I made an oath and no matter how hard it gets or how bad I feel I won’t break that. 

Wish I’d at least bought a body pillow or something to hold on to though. 

All my love,

your Lam.


	26. Chapter 26

Dear Annie,

Doing better again today. Sleep was dodgy again but not as bad as the night before. I was talking with Trolius after the ‘session’ yesterday and that did the world of good. He said something that just really shifted my perspective, though it didn’t 100% sink in until later (and after we’d had a wee bit of a smoke). That you sent us, me here. That you believed in me like that. I never thought of it that way. And I’m beyond proud, or amazed that you would put that trust in me. I’ve got to keep this in my pocket for when I start thinking of all the ways this could end bad... 

I’m so fucking relieved and glad that Freemarket didn’t go arseways any worse than it did for him because I don’t know what I’d do without him. I don’t know if it’s a wizard thing but he’s just brilliant at reading how I’m doing. Or maybe I am just as easy to clock as he says  ~~ and he’s just the only guy who gives ~~ I said this to him but he is the best mate I ever had (aside from you), like a brother. Especially like a brother in that probably we are going to get in fights sometimes (more fights). I just love that asshole.

Just heard over the tannoy that we’ll be coming up to Draur today. Sunken pirate city!! And ‘information gathering’ usually means ‘pub’ where I come from. Glad to be in a less shite mood for it! And maybe if I have time, another present for a certain lady could be acquired.

Can’t wait to be with you again.

Love,

your Lam.


	27. Chapter 27

Dear Annie,

We’re underway again; just leaving Draur. What a place. It was both exactly what I expected and nothing like what I’d thought, haha. Bit like someone put the sets of the Pirates movies underwater, but with magic lightning lighthouses to keep out the sea? Which are maybe run by unknowable eldritch beings who also sank the town in the first place? Quite the lore... Spent most of the time in pubs full of sailors, ostensibly looking for information, which is where I got that stuff. Mostly what we heard about Leafs is that everyone around him is fighting and stirring up shit, which we half knew already. I guess Pentwhistle talked to whoever they were talking to; hopefully they got more detail. T went to talk to them some and he mentioned they’d found it out it’s for sure fall over in E’gard now, so could be worse.

T convinced some of us to stay the night in town instead of on the boat. It was a change of scenery at least even if I was half hanging off the bed, and it did save the trouble of having to find our way back whilst thoroughly locked. Which we WERE. And I did sleep a little better, probably cause I didn’t get time to do a Looking before we got to port. Funny enough it was today when we were sober that we almost ALMOST got tattoos... Only reason we didn't is nobody could decide what they wanted and then we ran out of time. I did get that upper part of my ear done though! Hope you like it. All in all a nice bit of shore leave, and I did get to go shopping… Short stops are better I think; get a little air and diversion without feeling like I’m just sitting around with my thumb up my ass, waiting.

Downside is after being off the ship everything seems just a little more cramped now I’m back, but I’ll get used to it again soon enough. Next stop is Oksalam. (I am fucking that up too, sorry but it’s something like that) Then another week to E’gard. Every day we get closer to you, to getting you out, to getting you back. Then we can take care of things at home, and the sooner the better, cause just when we got back to the ship I got a message from Joan that some agent of Finnlach’s went after Tyler and the girls, and fucking shot Ilia. She is ok; they all are but Christ. He’s sending people under his name to Whidbey, that’s pretty fucking bold. I’m worried it’s gonna get ~~bad~~ worse before we can get back. At least they have Joan there, and your people… I asked her if they had any more info from Evergreen but it’s hard to say when I’ll hear back. The time dialation is going back and forth a bit now; not sure if that is gonna work out in our favour or not. But beggars and choosers, etc. We will get there.

Love you Annie.

your Lam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spelling errors are Lambert's; typos are probably mine. ;)


	28. Chapter 28

Dear Annie,

Seems we have to make a detour. Yusri picked up ANOTHER kid in Draur (I guess I forgot that in my last letter) and she had a map that ‘spoke’ to him or something so now we have to go to… a place whose name I can’t remember. Raz-something al something? And apparently the kid is ~~a~~ the runaway princess from this place so hopefully we don’t get accused of kidnapping her or some shit. On the other hand we maybe could get a reward, which would be grand, because I’m now skint again. Either way it’s going to add at least a week to our trip. And Glaice called me a prick for I don’t know, not being delighted about that. I didn’t even argue, for fuck’s sake, I guess I just wasn’t fucking enthusiastic enough when I said yes?? I know how this works, this is basically why Yusri is here, just fucking sue me if I’m worried about adding more time to this when we already don’t know how long it’s been for you…

And honestly I’m worried about Yusri too. T said something the other day about how he doesn’t want to really be here, how he thinks he should be back in Whidbey instead and I’m a little… Well, how does that affect how his ‘thing’ works? Maybe it doesn’t, I don’t know, I sure as fuck am not going to bring it up in group unless things go off the rails because I know some people are watching me waiting for me to lose my cool or whatever. I’m trying darlin’, I really am. To ‘trust the process’ you know? I had to step out though cause I knew Glaice was gonna get to me. She knows all the buttons to push to piss me off, and it doesn’t help that I’m so fucking tired from getting shite sleep again.

I think I’m getting used to the nightmares though, or no, I guess more just learning to expect it. It hasn’t been near as bad as the Randy shit, so far. I can handle that, for now anyway. As long as we’re still making progress, if not in space at least in time? 

Christ I want to see you so bad it hurts. Soon?

Love,

your Lam


	29. Chapter 29

Dear Annie:

Something weird is going on. Remember the other day I was saying the ship feels smaller than it did before we stopped in Draur? I think maybe it is the other way around. I think I might be getting taller??? No joke. I’m not 100 but I was in the galley earlier and I swear the shelf that was just at eye level was a little lower?? Maybe it’s a deeper Dreaming thing. I’ve never been this far for this long. On the other hand all my clothes still fit, but that could be a Dreaming thing too… Just to check I put a mark on my wall with my knife to measure my height, for future reference. Christ I hope if this is happening that it isn’t permanent, I don’t need any more problems buying clothes.

Saw T when I was down in the galley… talked for a while. He is worried about Lou. They had a weird fight about him using or not using that sleep potion he got in Freemarket, something about she didn’t want him to suffer for her, but she was really angry about it. I think all of this is really getting to her more than she is ready to say and it’s just making her lash out but… who knows. I’m not a fuckin counselor but… Yeah. I’m worried about her too. I don’t know what to do but maybe try and distract her, but T didn’t seem real confident in that. Maybe she’s still too pissed off for it to work.

Somehow from that we got on to talking about Saoirse… I was saying how I wonder if she’s heard I got knighted by Finnlach, and how she would hate that so much. I try not to think about her too much (as you know, not my favourite) but she’s been on my mind more lately and I’m not sure why. Her and Cormac. I never did get to call him, everything just… happened. When we get back I guess.

Love,

your Lam.


	30. Chapter 30

Dear Annie,

I'm writing to you from a glorified cat bed… we got to Oskalam today and the folk here are all furries, more or less. So we're at this inn and... yeah, cat bed. Or dog I guess. Just a big cushiony thing on the floor. It seems like it might be a bit weird to sleep on but at least there's lots of pillows. 

This is the place where we're meant to pick up those magic items to give us animal disguises. Pentwhistle says that the Dreaming will pick what those end up being so I’m real interested to see how that goes. I’m thinking wolf though? Something like that. Christ, Peony wanted to be a possum and have the rest of us ride around on her as babies. What the sweet fuck, I don’t think so. I am hoping wolf, or maybe bear? Wolf would be ace though.

Anyway. We had a ‘misunderstanding’ with some maybe bandits on the way into town but that worked out and we were able to get some good info out of the encounter. Things are a bit tense here, apparently there is something up with the king. We’re hearing that he is ‘sick,’ or that he’s gotten corrupted by some kind of magic that he was messing with. Sounds familiar, right? Yeah. When we told the folk we met about our end they seemed real interested and said we ought to meet with their queen (the bandit one, not the Oksalam one, if there is one). Even said they thought the king’s ‘rot’ had something to do with Ealdfeondegard. Half the idea of us stopping here is to try and find allies that might help us with him, or help distract & harry him so we have a better shot, so this is a good break (for a change). Pentwhistle is gonna try and get us face time with some of the other factions too so we can tell our tale and hopefully win some more hearts and minds as they say. I will use my saddest sad eyes. Downside is that we are going to have to spend some extra days here, which is more time I’m always worried we don’t have… that you don’t have. All I can do is hope you’re keeping your head above it. I know you’re strong Annie, just be strong a little longer, please…

What else… Glaice and Katya decided to come in to town with everyone. So far that’s okay. Katya doesn’t have any weapons at all so I was saying she should at least have a knife. There is some decent work around here so I guess she ended up picking one out and I think she was going to look for a bow. I found a real nice little blade, not too fancy but real business like if you know what I mean. I was gonna leave it because skint, but Trolius bought it for me anyway because he is like that. Class. Glaice was looking at armor; she didn’t bring hers with her to Freemarket because she thought her ‘boss’ would just take it. Which yeah, probably. I remember it being a real nice piece. I finally found out what she was doing there, or what her girl was doing there, in the first place. Looking for some magic mcguffin she could use as leverage to get Caelan out from Anastasius’ thumb. I feel for her… (and she said this too) but it’s gonna be hard when he likes being there. He wants to be on the winning team and there’s no denying Anastasius is super powerful… It’s just… how much of yourself do you give up to ‘win’ and at what point is it not winning anymore? Lot of parallels going on I’m sure I don’t have to spell out. 

I think it was different for him because he sort of got in little by little, like how you can get used to really cold water if you just go in slow, a step at a time, and before you know it you’re swimming in it and it doesn’t seem so bad at all. I wonder if that had been me, instead of just… walking in on what I saw all at once, if I would be in just as deep as he is. I wonder if that’s how it was with Finnlach, and if either Glaice or I will be able to bring them back or if it’s too late.

I expect we’re both stubborn enough to try anyway… 

Love always,

your Lam.


	31. Chapter 31

Dear Annie,

We’re in the shit now. Last night after I wrote you, I went out on the lash with Mimi and the lads, sort of to get the lay of the land but also maybe drum up some interest and sympathy to our cause. That was all fine and good but just when we got back to the inn and were getting ready to crash, all Hell broke loose; people were screaming and running around outside, shit was on fire… Got outside again and come to find there were bloody banes attacking the city. Dar, T, Lou, Glaice & I went to see what we could do and we managed to take out a fair few of them without more than a few bumps and bruises. Other people around us weren’t so lucky. Yusri, Peony and Meems were helping with the fires and folk that were hurt. 

It was a long, long night. Felt like my head had barely hit the pillow and then someone was banging at the door yelling to open up in the name of the Emperor; and some dog faced arsewipes frog marched the lot of us up to the castle. Yeah. Instead of any kind of ‘hey, thanks for helping defend my city’ we get grilled on what we’re doing here, and the Emperor is trying to blame us for the whole thing. Then he had us chucked in a real fancy prison, all warded up and all. I tried to send some messages to Joan and Sila and Tyler but I have no idea if they’re getting out.

It’s pretty much what we thought. The Emperor has some kind of blight (looks like a pudding that was left out in Chernobyl) and it’s pretty obvious where it came from. I don’t know what his game is, but it’s way too much like back home. Like either he got into this willingly, or he’s being manipulated by Leafs, and either way shit’s fucked. Trolius says if we can get him out from under Ealdfeondegard’s power one way or another that either he or whoever’s left will be more willing and able to assist us. That’s a real big ‘if’. There’s a minister guy we met when we first got brought up here who seems like maybe he is not real comfortable with the situation… that’s our only in at the moment, and there’s nothing we can do now except sit around and wait for him to show up.

Christ I’m just so frustrated right now, Annie. Of course I’m not giving up but it feels like someone keeps moving the goals further away, you know? And it’s been a month and a half since we left, thereabouts, and I’ve been trying my fucking hardest to be what I’m supposed to, what you would want, and I’m just- I’m fucking tired ~~and pissed and~~ \-- Christ. I’m not looking for head pats and a biscuit here but it would be nice for some people to not act like I’m about to fuck everything up at any given moment. Today before this bullshit audience I had Peony and Yusri and even fucking Trolius and Mimi giving me these “meaningful” looks and reminding me how important it is that we’re all on our best behaviour and the emperor is the guy who decides our fate so we have to be respectful and hey don’t forget about Annie - as if I fucking could!! And after all that it was fucking Lou who couldn’t keep her mouth shut, and no one said a fucking peep about that! I'm a knight, for Christ's sake, and I fucking earned that.

So yeah maybe I shut myself in here in this room and had a little yell about it, which I’m sure they’re having a word about… but it wouldn’t do any good to give out to anyone. Usually I would go out and hit the gym or the trail or whatever but that’s not an option here and I had to clear my head somehow. So I can be a 'good boy' in case that guy does show up, or… something else. You probably would have been able to hold it all together...

Those banes shouldn’t have been here, not in the Dreaming. I don’t know if Leafs is cutting deals with Prodigals (or worse). He certainly could be. Is that kind of shit going to come to Evergreen, or Whidbey? Is it happening already and we just don’t know? If there are as many parallels here to what’s going on at home as it seems, we might be able to extrapolate more by going off that. Like… Is this what’s going to happen to Finnlach? And whatever we (?) end up doing here; I guess might be what we have to do to him.

I can feel myself hitting the wall now, I'm so fucking shattered. My head’s getting messy and my eyes are bloody burning. Not sure if it’s a good idea to sleep here or not… On the other hand I probably won’t have a choice about it if we’re here long at all so I might as well not feel like dogshit on top of everything else.

Whatever happens, I love you and I’ll never give up.

Always,

your Lam.


	32. Chapter 32

Dear Annie:

So the guy did come back. He’s gonna get us out in exchange for stealing some magic stones from the treasury here that he thinks will cleanse the Emperor. He said there were a bunch of them so I bet you can guess what I’m thinking… I’m not leaving here without at least two of those things. I need anything I can get my hands on to help get this shit out of Finnlach if I can. Guy thinks there will be some of the animal charms we need for shapeshifting in there too so we’ll be grabbing those; even though I’m pretty sure Pentwhistle wasn’t gonna let us down. There are only supposed to be 8 guards on this vault (4 inside, 4 out), so the plan is about what you’d expect: we sneak over there and then me and Glaice do what we do best. We grab the stuff and then we’re out through this secret tunnel under the mountain. Then we can hand off these stones and hopefully get back in touch with the boat to get out of here.

I feel pretty good about the heist but I’m worried about Trolius. I think he is starting to get a bit unstuck, forgetting mortal shit. Today he didn’t know what D&D is. I dunno if just going straight to T is the best of plans (hey mate I noticed you’re forgetting your regular life, what’s up with that) so when we get back I need to talk to Lou and Darian about it. For now the only things to be done are have another cigarette and get ready to do some dirty work. See you on the other side.

Love,

your Lam.


	33. Chapter 33

Dear Annie,

We’re back on the Fantastic now, got in sometime in the ass hours of the morning. Mostly things went to plan, but it doesn’t feel much like we won. Glaice and I took care of all the guards, we got the stuff (6 stones and a bunch of the animal things) and got out, all like we were supposed to. But when we were going through the forest we found those bandit folks I told you about before, waiting for us. They wanted us to give them the stones instead of the rat clan (the people who helped us get out). They had a whole political spiel about how the clans are running things badly because they’re always fighting and they want to be the ones to cleanse the Emperor, etc. And if it was just that I would have said fuck them because we have no way of knowing if any of that is true; and everything else being equal I wouldn’t want to screw over the guy who risked his life to help us without any promise of getting something back. But they said they had contacts with the King’s other neighbours and they could get things moving way faster than the clans’ people could. Like 'within a week' faster. And they would swear to do that, AND agree to work with the rat people if they wanted to. So we did it, we gave them the three stones. Because at the end of the day even if I felt some kind of way about it, getting you back is the most important thing, and then getting us back to hopefully fix Finnlach too. But it still feels bad. The Rat lady of course was fucking pissed, and who can blame her. I very much doubt they are gonna take up the offer of working together with the other folk; and I just hope we didn’t get the one guy fucking killed.

I keep wondering what you would have done, or what you would have thought of it. If we did the right thing or just took the easy way out. I was talking to Darian today and he said he thought I did good so that makes me feel a little better about it. But only a little. If those bandits actually come through and we have our path even a little cleared before us; now, that’ll be a different story.

Other news… I checked against that mark I made before we left and it seems like I might be a little taller; but it might just be the way I was measuring, so… I'll keep checking I guess. But then Darian said he thought I might be too so, yeah. Trying not to worry too much what might happen if it ends up permanent, but darlin’ you might need to get some really high heels.

Love always,

your Lam.


	34. Chapter 34

Dear Annie:

So, something weird happened last night. I didn’t write about it til now because I was still ~~thinking about~~ processing it and I didn’t really know what to say, but then I didn’t want to not tell you… 

After I wrote to you yesterday I went down to the lounge to play some games and unwind, since Trolius was still asleep and we couldn’t practice or whatever. I was there for probably a half hour before Glaice showed up. We were talking about stuff, like what went down in Oskalam, and then before that, back home. About how I left. And then next I know she’s doing that thing where she’s sort of reaching her hand over toward me and saying stuff like “is that really all? It doesn’t have to be”... You know I am not a man who does well with subtlety so it was pretty clear what was ~~up~~ happening.

Anyway, I told her no, that I wasn’t gonna do that, and she left none too pleased. It was weird and I’m a bit afraid it’s gonna get weirder. One minute she wants to take the head off me and the next…? I just sat there for I don’t know how long after, staring at the title screen. I know you aren’t a jealous type; I just want to be ~~straight~~ honest with you… so that’s that.

I love you and I can’t wait to see you again… Every day is one closer!

Always,

your Lam.


	35. Chapter 35

Dear Annie,

Forget Trolius, I’m starting to worry more about my own head in this place. I keep saying I want to be a man you could be proud of, but I feel like… I’m afraid that I am getting farther away from that the further we go. I had a moment after we did the guards in Oskalam but I kind of forgot about it, and then - - Fuck. I guess some context is needed.

We found the merrow today. Or they found us. One bunch had some kind of pet octopus they were getting to attack the ship, and some other ones were trying to fight them off. I went up to the bridge to have a juke and before I knew it Darian and Trolius were outside the boat in the water, fighting the thing and the one set of merrows, without me. So all I could do was sit there with my thumb up my arse and watch on the monitor. Christ but didn’t that piss me off. There’s not much I’m good at and here I was not being able to do that. All dressed up with no one to kill, I said. Then Mimi asked me did I like killing people. I remember when you asked me that (or something near enough). I didn’t want it to be true. I told her pretty much what I told you then. I like to feel like I’m good at something; and I’m not good at much else. When there’s a reason, you know, a _cause_ it’s you know, this is how I make a difference. I’m not smart like you, people don’t listen to me like they do you, or even Trolius. But what if I do like it, or some of me does? I see myself changing, my body and I wonder, is this what I am, at the bottom of it all? Really, truly, a freak with a sword? I for certain love the fight, the thrill of it, the rush, it makes me feel alive. Certain. It’s real loud in my head right now Annie, and getting louder..

Sometimes I catch myself thinking I don’t know if I can do this without you. The old catch 22. I will though… I won’t stop until I win or I die. Christ… all I want at all is to be the man you deserve. And I’d give, oh at least a couple fingers to hear you say that you love me, that you’re proud of me.

Now I’m just feeling sorry for myself I guess. I’m half locked and might just tear this page right the fuck out later when I’m feeling more sensible. I know you won’t like to read that, darlin’, I’m sorry. Your fella is feeling a touch low. Doesn’t help we’re adding at least a couple more days on while we go to the merrow city. Apparently we’re going to meet a queen, how posh is that. It’s to the good of course if they’ll help us, and it seems like they might; just along with everything else it’s getting harder to stay patient. I miss you. I miss being able to talk to Dad. I miss not being stuck in an underwater cigar tube with the same ten or so people for weeks on end, half of which I only half get on with… 

I love you Annie. I just want to be good.

Always,

your Lam.


	36. Chapter 36

Dear Annie,

It’s been a rough couple of days but we’ve made it to R’lyeh, and nothing terrible has happened yet. Much nicer reception than in Oskalam. Here we even got food. They took us to some kind of embassy building and we’re just waiting for whatever comes next, which is theoretically taking Darian to see the queen, but to what end… ???

It’s good to get off the boat. I really needed to stretch my legs, and that’s no joke. What I mean is, there’s no mistake about how I’m ~~turning~~ changed so far into the Dreaming. Physically. I don’t need any marks on the wall now; Lou barely comes up to my waist anymore. It’s so strange. I don’t feel any different in myself but I look around and everything, everyone is so small. I have to bend over to go through a door and my room on the ship feels like a shoe box. No one has said much about it except Trolius but I feel them looking. There’s littler things too, like my eyes are different and my canine teeth are getting sharp. I’m hoping nobody’s twigged to that. 

Meanwhile Peony’s shrunk like two feet so that’s a thing.

I’m going to have a little lie down and hope I have something good to report soon. If not it will probably at least be interesting. Oh yeah, Yusri was afraid I wouldn’t be able to sleep anywhere so he made me a kind of a nest… I didn’t even say anything, he just went and did it, real thoughtful… I need to remember stuff like that when I get to thinking they are all, I don’t know, thinking I’m a shit. That I’m not the only person who gets upset and talks bollocks (just the one who probably does it the most). Maybe writing that down here will help with that.

Love,

your Lam.


	37. Chapter 37

Dear Annie:

Finally, FINALLY we have some clue what we’re doing. Darian cracked it wide the fuck open, got it straight from Mother Hydra in R’lyeh what we need to do in Ealdefeondgard. Now we are moving with a purpose, we have the merrows and the help the Oskalam folk promised on side, and it’s only a few days more to get there. The merrows are taking Yusri’s friend back to her city now, so that’s one stop shaved off, nothing else standing in the way. 

I’m buzzing like I was high on something, I’m giddy, fucking _delirious_. It’s really happening darlin’. We don’t know what _exactly_ will happen but the path is laid out now more clearly than ever and we are on the way to deliver a reckoning!! Take the fight to Leafs, stuff him back into his fucking acorn or whatever, and bring you back to us. The merrows have more of those spirit stones too, so now our chances of fixing Finnlach are better too…

I know it’s gonna be hard; I know we’re not just going for a woodland stroll, but now we’re going _somewhere_ , you know? I haven’t been able to settle since we got back to the boat. I’m just so fucking ready to go now. 

Oh right that’s the other thing; we decided to start trying out the animal charms to make sure we would know what we’re doing when we get to the garden and all… and I’m a fucking wolf and it is _lethal!!_ I wish you could see. I’ll try to get Trolius or someone to take a picture ‘cause I wouldn’t want to count on these making it back to Autumn with us.

It’s almost weird (but so, so good) to think about getting back home. I keep imagining what it’ll be like when I can finally see you again, awake and well; hear your voice, hold your hand and feel you squeeze mine back... I’d like to think I’ll be all smooth and knightly and romantic, but we both know what’s like to happen is that I’ll be a fucking disaster mess. I know you won’t judge me for it though and that’s all I care about, truly.

For ever,

your Lam.


	38. Chapter 38

Dear Annie:

One day closer to Ealdfeondgeard. I’m sure I’m still making a bags of spelling that but fuck it. There’s a kind of nervous energy in the ship now, waiting to see what we’ll find when we get there. Hydra told Darian it’s going to be winter, so that’s the one thing we know.

This morning I did some more wolf practice. I’m getting loads more comfortable with it, and it’s just nice to fit on the fucking furniture at all again. And, nobody can resist petting me. lol. Also went to talk to Lou about Finnlach… Darian thinks that we’re gonna swing back to R’lyeh before going back to Autumn but I’m not convinced it’s going to work out that way, with the path to Dun Ironthorn being right there. And then that’ll be our best chance to get at him. So I wanted to make sure she’s ready for that. I don’t know who all will want to come with us. I think Darian will if we are all still together. Trolius… I don’t know. He might be in for getting Leafs out of him, but what comes after, maybe not. I’ve been thinking about that more, the past few days. I know things aren’t gonna be looking great for him, courtwise, after this, even if we do get him out alive. And I’m not going through all of this just to see him executed or whatever. I’ve got to figure a way to get him somewhere safe if it comes to that; if I can, and if his stubborn seelie ass will let me. I’ve been thinking maybe Dad could help. This is the part I don’t see Trolius getting on board with, and other people even less. I’m even a little shy of asking Lou but… I really should, yeah?

I hope you would think this is the right thing to do… It feels right to me. He’s done so much for me. And it would break my father’s heart…

Well that got dark, sorry love. Anyway, with some luck this will be over soon; this bit of it at least.

Love,

your Lam.


	39. Chapter 39

Dear Annie:

Just got the word that we’ll be landing at Ealdfeondgeard in the morning. I’ve got all my kit together but it’s gonna be an early morning and probably too much of a rush to write again. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do any more on the road either, cos well, might not have the use of hands. So, just in case I can’t say it again: I love you, I miss you, and we’re coming soon. I won’t let you down.

Always,

your Lam.


	40. Chapter 40

Dear Annie,

First night in Ealdfeondegard. I didn’t expect I’d be able to write, especially so soon, but we found a place to hole up out of sight. I’m gonna sleep as a wolf though because space is tight (we’re under a tree). 

Things are looking so good Annie! Maybe good is the wrong word, but exciting. We have goals, we have names. And we have a motherfucking unicorn! _Your_ unicorn! (Can a unicorn actually be anyone’s? I’m just saying it that way because Joan did) If you’re reading this of course you probably know that already, and a fair bit of whatever I write after! Big things are coming… Fighting an immortal guy, a fucking _drago_ _n_ … And that’s after we trudge across this sodden forest. But I feel so much better, just fucking, in-fucking-describably better, to know that _you_ know we’re here now. And that you believed that I would come enough to tell Quixote. I’m honoured, I’m proud to have your faith and I promise, I swear I won’t let you down.

I haven’t let myself think much about what happens after we do this (aside from the immediate with Finnlach). Not because I don’t want to. I just can’t focus on anything past the point where we get you back. It’s like nothing else happens until that happens. 

Sometimes I read back shit like that and I think, Christ, anyone would think I’m an obsessed nutter. With you, I mean. Maybe that’s not _so_ bad? I just miss you so much, Annie. What time we had together was so short. But it was a lot. It’s the first time I’ve ever felt something so intense for someone, the first time I’ve known with no question if this is really love. You said it once: how could I not? I want to fight like the devil for all the time should have, that we _deserve_. Maybe I don’t want to think too far ahead in the future because I want to be doing it with you. 

I love you, I can’t wait to see you again. Just a few more days to the garden.

Always,

your Lam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A motherfucking unicorn!


	41. Chapter 41

Beautiful, amazing Annie:

Here we are, one more day closer to the end of this! I didn’t expect I’d get to write so often but I’m not gonna complain, especially when the phone’s been cut off. That was nice while I had it, but I knew it wouldn’t last this far in. Now we’re really on our own. If something happens to us here, probably nobody will ever know. But I’m choosing to assume it’s you reading this and not some random future adventurer.

Still no dragons or anything, but we did have a spot of trouble with some shades today. We almost lost Yusri and Peony - they were gonna wander off fuck knows where - but Trolius came out with the Sovereign to keep them on track. Me and Glaice got everyone out while Quixote sliced them up. A bit gutted I missed that, tbh. Yusri is super pissed about the magic, but for fuck’s sake, he would have fucking bought it. How about a thanks. my man?? He’ll get over it I guess, not much choice with that oath we all took.

I don’t know how many Quixote took care of, but there are still more out there. I just came off watch and I kept hearing things, or seeing eyes in the dark, blink and it’s gone kinda stuff. Felt like Anastasius was out there waiting for me, watching… I know it’s not really, but it’s still unsettling as shit. Mimi helped, she’s a fucking gas.

Anyhow, I’m more than ready to get some kip… Whole lotta walking and running today, and every other day before and after it seems. Remember when we were gonna do that marathon? By my reckoning that’d be in the next couple days, but I don’t know how time’s going in Autumn now. Maybe next year, huh?

Good night darlin’, I hope I get to dream about you.

Love,

your Lam.


	42. Chapter 42

Dear Annie:

Been a rough few days. Nothing major, just a brutal slog through this cursed fucking forest, all day, every day. Seems like it’s always bucketing down, and we’re lucky to find a dry place to stop and rest for a few minutes, let alone camp. Then there’s the shades, always trying to fuck with us. Thank fuck we haven’t had any _real_ trouble with them again since that first day. It’s still bloody unsettling though.

Tonight we’re camped more or less out of the weather again, which is lucky because I was hoping to write once more before we get to the garden… Quixote says that could be as soon as later tomorrow. I’m ready! So fucking ready. I’d say the overall mood in the group is ‘determined’. Some folk have more or less reservations but I think everyone’s got their head in the game.

I do have a bit of a worry about Trolius. And how he’s going to be with the rest of them, when shit gets real. The Dreaming’s really getting a hold of him. He’s been acting more and more haughty, holding himself away from the rest of us (except maybe Lou). When you talk to him it’s like he’s trying to hold court. Even with me! And we have the same title. And I know it’s just the Dreaming, like I say, bringing out the Arcadian in him, but at the same time it’s hard not to get my back up when I feel like I’m being talked down to. You know me. ;) And if it gets worse it’s really not gonna fly with say, Yusri. I don’t know, maybe in the olden days that was how it was done, like everyone stays in their own layer and that was how you understood how things worked? But that’s not the kind of leadership that people need or want now, especially these people.

I’m gonna try to talk to him tomorrow, and if that bombs maybe I’ll send in Mimi… You are still and always my #1 priority but I am trying to step up here, and honour all of my oaths so that all of us make it home.

Love always,

your Lam.


	43. Chapter 43

Beloved Anand,

I guess this will be the last one of these I write. We’re back in Autumn now, even if it’s on the wrong side of the world. Tricked a dragon, defeated a deathless knight, drove your spear into the heart of the realm. And now, we wait… I hate that we are so close to being home, but still practically so far. It’ll get sorted, we have options… Dad, or Connor or someone. But I feel like I’ve been holding my breath since we got out of the Dreaming and I can’t breathe right until I talk to you. Then I’ll know, really know, that we did it. 

I’m sorry it took so long darlin’. We’ve been gone the better part of three months and I have a feeling it was longer for you. I can’t imagine what it must be like. Sila said you had a rough time, coming out of it. I wish I could have been there for you. It’s eating me up that I can’t do anything, even if all I _could_ do is hold your hand. 

You’re sleeping now, proper sleep, and I’m glad of that. I’ve been trying to get some kip on and off since we got to this house but I can’t seem to more than doze off for short spells. Too nervous, and happy, and anxious, and excited… I just want so badly to hear your voice again, and knowing it will be so, so soon but still _ages_. Well, you know how patient I am. So instead I’m lying on a too small bed just thinking about what I’m gonna say to you, what you’re going to say to me, and my heart just gets going so hard I have to get up again. Then I’m imagining seeing you again, holding you, kissing you...

Now I’m trying not to expect that when I get home things will be just like they were before this, like we’ll just go back to your place, have a pizza and wear the face off each other (but I wouldn’t say no). I want you to be okay but... you probably have a lot to deal with, and I want to give you whatever you need without, I don’t know, taking up too much of your emotional energy. So if you want to do the first thing that’s grand (cannot stress this enough) but if you need some space to yourself I will understand. I’m just so happy that you are out of there. 

I hope you’re having good dreams. I can’t wait to talk to you.

All my love,

your Lam.


End file.
